When Silent Frustration Erupts: Navigating Passive-Aggressive Pitfalls in Partnerships

It all started with something stupid. so insignificant that I fell uncomfortable to even talk about. We were in a meeting, my partner, a sales rep, the client and I. We agreed that my partner will talk first, present the team and the company and after few minutes I will start the slide show and explain the project we are proposing.

The client came in on time, and the meeting got started. So he started talking and bragging about the company, and himself, and what he did last weekend, and... 20 minutes passed by and there is no sign of silence. I became impatient and irritated and tried to give him a hint. I started the slide show on my laptop, I looked at my watch, but him - he is into the conversation as if he met an old friend at the bar.

The meeting was planned for an hour, and after 30 minutes passed by, I knew there is no point for me to even start. So I got up, mumbled some excuse that I had to leave and left the room. It was obvious I was upset. I went to my office and shut the door.

A couple of minutes later, I heard the customer leaving the meeting and my friend apologizing. It was an important opportunity for us. Sales were down in the last few months, and this could have been a saver. I was so upset at this point - I really didn't care. This is not the first time he did that. We always agree on something and then he goes off on his own, disregarding everything we talked about. He can't respect any time commitment, the time I prepared for this meeting, or even our sales person who worked with me and prepared strategies to promote this project.

He knocked on my door. I said "I am busy right now". We didn't talk for three days. I actually did not talk to anyone. We lost the client, and lost three days of zero productivity. If it was the only time - fine, but it is just repeats itself over and over, and I am so tired of it.

What has really happened here?

Let's look at this story from different perspectives (other than mine, as you have already read it above)

My partner - a social butterfly, loves to talk. He has no boundaries and rules, but he is very engaging and charismatic, and people love him. From his point of view - the most important thing was to get the customer to like us. When he felt that the conversation was flowing he decided to keep on talking, build the relationship and establish trust with our potential client. The project plan can wait, and may even change after we find more information about the client, his business and his challenges.

The salesperson - He really enjoyed the vibe and warm atmosphere, and was looking for the right opportunity to participate in the conversation. Like my partner, he felt that the personal relationship with the potential client is more important at this time of the engagement then the sale itself.

So now, that we know all three perspectives - let's try to understand - why did I get upset?

Obviously - I had different expectation, and it was important for me to go through with the plan we agreed. I prepared and put some time and effort into it, and felt as if I was ignored, and not appreciated, a bystander, in this whole meeting.

But let's dive a little deeper...

Energetically speaking, my energy level went down to the lowest level possible - level 1 - the victim. That usually happen when a 'trigger' is pushed, as a result of violating a core value.

It is apparent that there is a gap between my core values and my partner's values, as I appreciate order and plan, where my partner is intuition driven, and can react to opportunities and change plans without a problem.

There is one more thing here - as I mentioned above - this is not the first time that it happened. That is a big hint of a communication issue. For one - I developed a resentment due to past experiences, and started to get irritated at a very early stage of the meeting - I developed an assumption that because it happened in the past it will happen again, and at that point I was not open to engage in the conversation and consider the opportunity without judgement.

Another aspect is, failing to realize that this behavior is a gap that should have been discussed in a constructive manner. Understanding that there is a whole different skillset required to make a sale, then the one required to design a project, and those difference are good and required for the success of the business.

What should we do now?

Well, I gave some hints above, lol

First - we need to create some basic agreements to handle conflict situations like this one. This is important first step as we need to buy some time while we grow and learn how to handle it in a better more constructive way.

There are two assessments that could be done (usually by a coach, but you can try to learn more about it yourself). The first one is an Energy Level Index assessment (ELI) that maps your reaction and perceptions through different levels of energy. You learn about your behavior in normal and stressed situations as a base-line in a process where you learn to elevate your energetic reaction.

The second assessment is a business chemistry assessment, which clarifies your habitual patterns and personality impact in a business settings. For example - you could be a get-it-done person (the Driver), or a Get-Along person (The integrator)

With those two sets of information, it is easier to craft a plan and bridge the gaps. You learn what is expected from each other, in what situations a given behavior is desired and how to better communicate with colleagues of a different business chemistry.

This learning process will be more efficient if applied as part of a bigger growth plan, where core values are established, roles and accountability are set, and processes are clear.

Conclusion

Where identifying a repeated pattern of tension and high level of stress, a deeper dive can help clear the anxiety and identify the root cause. Addressing a specific issue locally, usually does not resolve the issue. A bigger plan that addresses the dynamics holistically can boost morale, elevate energy and increase the bottom line also.

When operating with enthusiasm, joy and buy-in, then everyone around us (including our customers) are drawn in, fully engaged and feel part of a great cause.

Just think about it.